You are a choirboy compared to me.

YANKEE

you are like north on a compass
my thoughts always pointed towards you
love is not a lesson taught
but it has arrived and it's time to go
for there is no business in the thoughts of yesterday
for silly thoughts and smiles won't make you today's money
come now and take my hand
and i'll make it a point to never take you somewhere familiar
or anything you happen to hate, which you have told me some
but maybe just a few times, when the storm has died down
let me look into your eyes and love you
love you to every little bit, piece, fracture and cell in your whole self
no matter of simple crushes
misdirection at every whim
however it turns out
we are the lucky ones
hard to harness, eager for self preservation
drop your defenses
feel my heart with yours
lay your lips on my soul
it is yours to suck out of me and keep in a secret place, sealed with a quiet kiss
and that smile that makes your eyes crinkle, like so long ago when things were simple
weak knees
teardrops
love i've melted into mercury for your thermometer
burn me up

I know, we've met. Tales of a life of inequality where self acceptance is my only hope for survival. You wrote your last rain check and spewed your last insult. A pair of missized shoes is the only thing that allows me a wormhole to the past and my arm does not stretch galaxies. I will always fall short of these expectations. My knees are always shaky and fearing collapse, another weight or book to balance. Physicalities have never hurt less but my nerves have never hurt so badly. It is hard to know if my name has been called. Just bubble wrap my heart this time and pop the sheets when it's over. I am growing tired of having to be the hero. You know how by now.

I found myself not being able to look at you because of how deep your eyes were. More and more lately, there have been a lot of things that I just can't explain, that being one. It's almost like there were layers and shades of browns I'd never seen before, and it shocked me in a way that made me blush and stammer. Especially in the light. They sparkled. And I knew if I kept looking, I wouldn't be able to stop.

I cannot see any way in which I could want anything more right now. I have everything. I have freedom and independence with no need to feel clingy. I have a best friend who I am completely fine being extremely close to but not expecting anything. I have a trip planned for tomorrow to see one of my old best friends that I haven't seen in years. When I get back, I have a welcome back party planned for me by number one girl. My parents are down with me going to Denver, which is a feat in itself..

Fuck. Things have not gone THIS fucking right in a long, long time and I hope with everything I am that they continue this way for a while. I'm flying.

And I think the only thing I can ask for right now is sleep, because I have to be up in about six or seven hours. Let's go!

For all of the attitudes or any of it. I left that shit for a reason, it got old to me. I'm sorry if I was too early, or you were too late. I'm going to remember those days in a very certain way, in a very great light that not much can compare to. And I know that if I went back, they would just be ruined because I would realize nothing was the same. I'm writing this about one thing, but now that I think about it, it applies to almost every aspect of my life right now.

Except for the fact that I'm happy. I'm really happy with not being so controlling of my life and not worrying about it so much. I just needed to let the fuck go and realize that I have no control. I need to let myself have stupid crushes and just be ridiculous for a while, it's been a long time. I need 'me' time. Hahaha. I've never thought of being that stupid and describing it that way, but that's basically what it is. I shouldn't need a boyfriend to do that. I shouldn't need anything but myself to be happy. It's been so long since I've been able to admit this to myself and just be able to LOVE. Because really, what else do we really have? I find myself rekindling all sorts of old friendships and it feels great. I haven't smiled or laughed like this in so long. I'm touching the fucking sky.

god. it just hit me how much has changed. over such a long time. i always knew that's what life was about. but going through pictures and seeing people i hadn't in a while really reaffirms that. i seem to have switched roles with so many people. so happy that i have stayed stable. and friends with people who really deserve it. i have taken so many beautiful pictures, capturing memories right as they happen and not much of it is thanks to me. i'm just the one behind the lens. it is all my friends and how amazing and precious every single one of them is, and the little things they bring to form one big extraordinary moment. i want to cry when i see good like this in the world because lately i have felt it so rare. and i hate it because so many pictures of myself i have critiqued mercilessly when i really just should have seen that i really didn't look that bad. lately all of my childhood hangouts have been closing and it's kind of hard to see. gameworks, which has been through countless renovations, is finally gone. and my parents have told me how skrappy's was being demolished the last time they drove by. my childhood's really not there anymore. and all i have to remember it by are the few pictures and many memories that i hope will never fade. so many i've loved have left, and some moved on to something better. although i am proud of them, i will always miss them and have them in my heart. i have been so lucky to meet most of the friends i have and i guess because my family wasn't always reliable, i consider them just as close. i'm honestly surprised i haven't lost more of them. most of the ones i hated admitted their debts. and in certain, different ways, all of them put in their two cents to create this wonderful friend web that is always changing and flexing and becoming stronger. and fuck, is it beautiful. it's color and love and emotion and everything. and i could never ask for more.

RIP taylor boswell whitacre.

I love you. I miss you. and I will always picture you in better days.

hahahahaha stephie.

hxc jennay: stick your arm in the door and fling a knife
hxc jennay: 'DID I HIT YOU?!'
xGlitt3rxTr4shx: I MEANT THE OTHER PIECE OF SHIT ON THE BED SORRYYYYYY LAWLZ!

[From Housekeeping Monthly May 13, 1955]

( The Good Wife's Guide )